EXTRA: Clinton’s Unacknowleged Influence Widespread

A cursory study of current news stories done by our curmudgeon-at-large, Jeff Spencer, reveals the following events are due to the hidden, guiding hand of the former president:

A cursory study of current news stories done by our curmudgeon-at-large, Jeff Spencer, reveals the following events are due to the guiding hand of the former president:

  • LICHTENSTEIN, LUXEMBOURG RENOUNCE USE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS: CLINTON’S DOING
  • NEW ORLEANS CRIMINALS AND N.O.P.D. FIND COMMON GROUND LOOTING THE CITY: CLINTON’S DOING
  • HAITIAN MILITIA TON TON MACOUTES JOIN HABITAT FOR HUMANITY EFFORTS IN PORT AU PRINCE: CLINTON’S DOING
  • JAPAN HALTS WHALING INDUSTRY’S DESTRUCTION OF LAST GENTLE GIANTS: CLINTON’S INFLUENCE
  • MORE HUGGING OCCURRING IN PRISONS: CLINTON’S DOING
  • DEATH OF STALINSM IN BOHEMIA: CLINTON’S DOING
  • IMMIGRANT SWEATSHOP SLAVERY IN GARMENT DISTRICTS ACROSS AMERICA BROUGHT TO AN END: THANKS TO CLINTON
  • CHINA EMBRACES TAIWAN: CLINTON’S DOING
  • SUNNI LEADERS IN IRAQ ADMIT CANDIDLY THEY LOVE SHIITES TO DEATH: CLINTON’S DOING
  • BUSH, CHEANEY, RUMSFELD ADMIT THEY WERE WRONG: CLINTON’S DOING
  • CHRIST’S RESURRECTION: CLINTON’S DOING
  • ESPERANTO OFFICIALLY ADOPTED AS EARTH’S LANGUAGE: CLINTON’S DOING
  • ALL EXTINCT SPECIES MIRACULOUSLY REAPPEAR; CLINTON’S MAGIC TOUCH
  • ALL CONJOINED TWINS WORDWIDE IMMEDIATELY SEPERATED: CLINTON RESPONSIBLE
  • APARTHEID’S END: CLINTON’S DOING
  • MIRACLE OF FATIMA: CLINTON’S DOING

This just in:

  • CATS AND DOGS CEASE FIGHTING, BECOME GAY, AND MARRY: CLINTON’S HEALING TOUCH
  • ENTIRE POPULATIONS OF U.S. AND ISRAEL VOW TO RETURN TO SUBSISTENCE FARMING TO ATONE TO WORLD FOR BLOWING UP WORLD TRADE CENTER AND BLAMING INNOCENT BIN LADEN: CLINTON’S INFLUENCE
  • DICK CHENEY APOLOGIZES FOR AGEIST REMARKS, HUGS REPRESENTATIVE CHARLES RANGEL IN TEARS: CLINTON’S DOING
  • PRINCE CHARLES VOWS TO CLEAR EVERY MINEFIELD IN THE WORLD WITH HIS SILVER SPOON TO IMPLEMENT DIANNA’S LIFE’S WORK: CLINTON’S PRODDING
  • QUEEN OF ENGLAND THROWS MARIJUANA TEA PARTY FOR SURVIVING BEATLES IN ATONEMENT FOR DRIVING JOHN LENNON TO LIVE IN NEW YORK: CLINTON’S DOING
  • BORROWING FROM ENGLISH TRADITION, REMAINS OF HERBERT HOOVER ARE EXHUMED AND HANGED FOR CURRENT HIGH INTEREST RATES, INFLATION, FAILING HOUSING PRICES, STOCK LOSSES, AND BIRD FLU: CLINTON IN CAB OF BACKHOE
  • U.S. SOUTHERNERS EN MASSE ABASE THEMSELVES BEFORE MILLIONS OF CHICKENS AND PIGS FOR DEEP FRY ATROCITIES: CLINTON’S SUGGESTION
  • WORLD’S JEWS ADMIT TO ZIONIST CONSPIRACY, ADMIT THEY REALLY WROTE “THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ZION,” REALLY DID EAT CHRISTIAN BABIES IN ANTIQUITY AS WELL AS INVENT PSYCHOTHERAPY AND COMMUNISM—FINALLY OFFER PALESTINIANS A DEAL FOR ISRAEL AT ONLY 78% INTEREST: CLINTON’S BROKERING SKILLS
  • ITALIANS APOLOGIZE TO SQUID FOR CENTURIES OF CONSUMPTION: CLINTON’S ADDITION TO SOUTH BEACH DIET
  • SWEDES APOLOGIZE TO WORLD FOR EXTREMELY DEPRESSING INGMAR BERGMAN FILMS: CLINTON’S DOING
  • HOLLYWOOD APOLOGIZES TO THIRD WORLD FOR FANTASTIC DISPLAYS OF CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION, PROMISES MORE USE OF RICKSHAWS AND DONKEY CARTS IN CHASE SCENES: CLINTON’S DOING
  • ESTONIANS, LATVIANS, AND LITHUANIANS APOLOGIZE TO RUSSIA FOR BEING HISTORICAL SPEEDBUMPS: CLINTON’S THERAPY
  • FRENCH APOLOGIZE FOR BEING PRECIOUS, BAN TRUFFAUT FILMS: CLINTON’S COSMOPOLITAN TOUCH
  • GASPAR NOE APOLIGIZES FOR “IRREVERSIBLE”: HILLARY’S DOING
  • INDIA’S ELITE VOW TO END CASTE SYSTEM IN THREE INCARNATIONS: CLINTON’S SKILLS
  • RICHARD GERE APOLOGIZES TO ANY GERBILS HARMED DURING FILMING OF HIS LIFE IN THE LATE EIGHTIES: CLINTON’S PRODDING
  • GEORGE W. BUSH HIRES DIALECT COACH TO REDUCE TEXAS ACCENT, APPEAL TO BLUE STATE CONSTITUENTS: CLINTON’S SUGGESTION
  • DICK CHENEY GETS HAIR IMPLANTS, SURGERY TO CORRECT HUNCHBACK AND SARDONICUS SNEER: CLINTON’S ADVICE
  • EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS APOLOGIZE FOR SEXUAL ABUSE OF ALIEN ABDUCTEES: CLINTON’S SUGGESTION
  • SOCIOPATHS WORLDWIDE BEGIN TO FEEL OTHER PEOPLE’S PAIN: CLINTON’S DOING

 

 

 

 

 

 


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