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Dear Kraut Midget

Dear Kraut Midget:

Can you please explain “Mulholland Drive”?  I’ve seen
it, I don’t know, about a hundred million times and
Istill don’t understand! 

Thanks,David L.

Dear David:

Well, I think it was all a dream right before the
blonde blew her brains out but who the hell were those
weird old Jews?  And that homeless guy who lived
behind the diner—I mean was he like the
puppetmaster or what?  So I guess I’m saying that
even I,
who became head of the philolgy department at the
University of Basel at the tender age of twenty-four,
am as baffled by “Mulholland Drive” as you are. 
Great lezzie action, though.  Did you hear the
brunette used to be Miss USA?  I also read in
“People” she was married to, like, a duke orsomething.
No, really!

Dear Pig: 

Is this your quote?  “Goest thou among women?  Do not
forget thy whip!”  That’s you, isn’t it?!  Oh, boy,
am I going to fix your fucking wagon!  Not only am I
going to get this zine to fire your midget ass but I’m
going to have every last copy of every book you ever
wrote tossed on a fire and BURNED, okay?, and when I’m
done with that, I’m going to dig up your misygonistic
bones and crush them into aspirin and I’m going to
dance on top of your grave, get me?  It’s people like
you who’ve made grrrls like me hate people like you. 
Yeah, you’d BETTER bring your fucking whip!  You’re
going to need it, bitch! 

Sylvia in Silverlake

Dear Sylvia:

You think you scare me?  I’m friends with Richard
fucking Wagner, okay?  Adolf Hitler’s a huge fan of
mine!  You don’t know what you’re dealing with, you
stupid cunt.  Fuck off and die!

Send your questions to:
We regret that Mr. Nietzsche cannot respond
toquestions privately.

Posted at 4am on 11/05/2004 | comments are closed Filed Under: Under the Lens

"The sleep of reason
brings forth monsters."

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